Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
