i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
