quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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