I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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