Having a random hookup so left but love u
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
