Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
