There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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