I'm going to rape someone's good day.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize