Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
