Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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