I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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