The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
