You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
