I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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