i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
