so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
