got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
