I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
