We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
