considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
love makes seman taste better
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize