just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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