Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My balls are so social today.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
