If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
