You don't have asthma, your pregnant
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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