well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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