i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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