I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
