ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
