Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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