cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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