I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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