haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
