True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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