jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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