You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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