So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
