You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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