drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
