Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
