OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I wear drunk well.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
