I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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