I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize