I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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