We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
