3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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