my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
