she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
