My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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