I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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