I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
