On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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