omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
