my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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