Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
