i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
