you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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