dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My hand turned me down
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
