Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
