she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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