Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize