We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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